The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child by Marti Olsen Laney Psy.d

Author:Marti Olsen Laney Psy.d. [Psy.d., Marti Olsen Laney]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780761135241
Amazon: 0761135243
Publisher: Workman Publishing Company
Published: 2005-12-01T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 8

Improving Sibling Relationships

Encourage Understanding, Establish Boundaries, and Dampen Rivalry

“If a plant is to unfold its specific nature to the full, it must first be able to grow in the soil in which it is planted.” —Carl Jung

Sibling relationships are in many ways a microcosm of the social world. Through them, innies learn to respond to the challenges of social interactions—as well as to reap the rewards. Temperament-savvy parenting can help create an environment that makes room for differences, so the rewards outweigh the clashes.

When Siblings Clash

Most of us have the expectation—often in spite of our own experience—that brothers and sisters should naturally enjoy each other’s company. Research shows that often they don’t. Actually, only a small percentage of siblings maintain close relationships into adulthood. This is due to many factors besides temperament, of course. But temperament does loom large and can affect how siblings interact, how much they play together, their need for personal space, and how they view one another.

Learning to see your kids through the lens of temperament will help you set realistic expectations—which will in turn enable you to be a more effective referee. Help your kids understand and appreciate their temperaments by focusing on each child’s personal strengths. Try a playful approach: “Hi, Nate. I’d like to introduce you to your sister, Judith. She loves horses and reading Junie B. Jones books. Judith, this is your brother Nate, and he loves baseball and Superman. I wonder what you two could find to play for the next hour that you both like. Maybe horses with capes would do the trick?” I’m kidding about that introduction, but serious that it does help to adopt a neutral viewpoint. Don’t join the fray and become yet another fighting sibling. I see parents doing that all the time. Encourage kids to find common ground. The reality is, it’s usually not too far away.

It is vitally important to teach an outie how to respectfully ask his innie sister or brother for playtime. Remind your outie that innies are like deep-sea divers. They plunge into the depths of their mind, fascinated by the watery world. They need a few minutes to come up, or else they’ll get the bends. They may need time to shift into a dual play mode. Teach your outie to ask, “Do you want to play in a few minutes?” or, “After you finish your homework, do you want to play catch?” Help him see that he’s more likely to secure a playmate by slowing down to his sibling’s pace, as opposed to rushing in and startling her. It also helps if outies, always full of lots of good ideas, occasionally learn to ask the innie sib for suggestions about what she wants to play once in a while. Suggest that your outie invite his innie sibling to teach him about her interests. Explain to outies that innies need to have downtime and that setting a start and stop time can be useful.

Innies and outies have different tolerances for how long they can play together.

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